Saturday, January 17, 2009

Of Cream & Fudge Psychopaths

Ah, these psychopaths. I met one just the other day.

No, really.

So we're at The Cream & Fudge Factory, right, me and Osh.
I know, I know. Why go there when you can make 10 rupee Cream and Fudge Factory specials at home, right? Right. But I'd just had a small (massive) craving for donuts that morning in PR class and The Donut Baker is just above it and we thought eh, what the heck.

So we're sitting there on those bar stools (that place ish very shpecial to me) eating our donuts with our fingers from a tissue on a tray (They have no plates. They have no spoons. They have no forks, no knives, the goons.) And we've ordered a scoop of icecream.

Deep in pleasant conversation, discussing things that your average pair of 20 year girl buddies do. When suddenly we are startled out of our politically charged discussion, by an old man with a walker. One of these.-->

And he's robust, well built, well dressed and speaks perfect English. And he reaches where we're sitting and he says assertively in rough tones "How much was that?"

I stare incredulously wondering if he has a point. All I get is another "How much did you pay for that?"

I say, "Why do you want to know?", afraid that there will be a lecture on "You can buy the same thing from outside for 5 rupees! In my time you could buy Australia with the amount you have paid for that icecream." Seriously, the tone was just that. Like a reprimanding teacher. Who comes up to your table and asks to see your bill, I mean come on. I swear, if he wasnt so elderly I'd have yelled at him to bugger off and mind his own business. But Respect your elders, we have been taught. Even if they are crossing the line.

And he's like "How much?" And I stop myself from snapping and I tell him. And he says all commandingly, "Tell them to bring me one of those."

I think. Ok. Poor dude's in a walker. He probably cant wrap his mind around the numerous flavours and decide which one to have. He's decided he's liked the look of the one Im having. And he's probably one of those retired army officers who are used to people doing as they order them to. And he's kinda my grandad's age. And he's come here in a walker alone. Why isnt anyone with him? Poor thing. The least I can do is tell the waiter what to bring for him. So Im like, "Erm excuse me, he's asking for the same thing that I am having."

Waiter brings it and he scarfs the whole thing down and me and Osh continue yabbering.

Then he starts talking to these small kids sitting next to us on the barstools. (Sidenote: Kids today are so much more grown up than we were at their age, damnit. They are.) They are eating their ice cream from colourful rainbow sprinkle cones.

"You, girl. What are you eating?" *rough assertively*
"What is that?"
"Icecream cone"
"Can you get me one of those? Go and get me one of those."
"Only cone?"

Girl stares blankly at him and then goes to her mamma. Mamma gets cone for old man. Old man says "There's nothing in it?"
Mamma says "You wanted ice cream also?"
"Yes tell them to give me whatever she's having." *points at girl*

Mamma confusedly goes to get icecream. Meanwhile old man says "Is that your mother? She is a very fine lady. Very good. You know? And where do you stay?"

Little Girl is smart, but not that smart. Mamma hurries over to hush her up. "Is that your daughter? She is a very fine girl. Very good." Old man scarfs down this icecream also. I wonder how. They are BIG portions and it was difficult for us to finish the one we'd ordered between the two of us. And the girls and mamma all leave.

And Osh and I are done yabbering and there's a Reliance Footwear Store nearby that we've been wanting to check out. So we jump lithely off our stools, hand the waiter dude the bill book and with a quick smile, start to walk out the door.

"Medam medam medam!!"
We walk back in again.
"Medam, that man. He's not going to pay."
"Say wha?"
"Yes. He does this often. He comes in and makes other people buy for him."
"Other people as in, me?"
"Yes medam."
"But I didnt know that! And if you knew that why didnt you warn me?"
"You ordered for him no medam."
"Look I didnt know he was charging it to me... I just thought he needed help ordering."
"He does like this medam." *shakes head*
"If you knew he does like this, you should probably not have let him in this time, right?" *in severe tones* Like HELL I was going to pay double for those already overpriced icecreams.
"Yes medam. Ok medam. Its ok medam. Thank you."

And Osh and I walked out feeling quite shaken at the gall of this old man.

It wasnt like he didnt have money, he was very well spoken and very well dressed.
Why would he want two? At that age? Was he tying to kill himself? Was he a diabetic? Was this some sort of OC suicide he was trying to have here?
It must have been for the thrill of it. And he had no guilt whatsoever. Not in the least bit embarrassed, even as he heard the conversation we were having with the waiters. Classic psychopath. No conscience. No shame. No guilt. No sense of morality. Trying to be all good natured and charming with that little girl and her mum.
*shudders* The thought of someone being able to do anything they want to because there's nothing in their head that's stopping them is a scary thought.

The incident doesn't sound so tremour worthy, but really it left Osh and me quite shaken. That there were people like this- charming, well spoken intelligent people like this- who didnt mind doing anything at all, simply because they had no conscience. You should have been there, really it was disturbing, watching him lick away at the spoons, straight backed, well dressed, watching us brazenly as we discussed him from over at the cash counter.

4% of the population are psychopaths it sims. He was one, I'm sure. There's no other explanation.

Osh and me think the walker was just a ruse. Perhaps he bashes peoples heads in with it in dark alleyways at night. You never know.

Just to be clear, I am not trying to abuse an old defenseless man for my own perverse enjoyment here.
It does not look as though he suffers from

Severe Alzheimer's (Complete deterioration of the personality and loss of control over bodily functions, requires total dependence on others for even the most basic activities of daily living.)

Schizhophrenia (Symptoms of disorganised schizhophrenia: Impaired communication skills, Incomprehensible or illogical speech, Emotional indifference, Inappropriate reactions e.g. laughing at a funeral, Infantile behavior: baby talk, giggling,Peculiar facial expressions and mannerisms)

It DOES sound as though he is a psychopath. ( Glibness / superficial charm, Cunning / manipulative, Lack of remorse or guilt, Failure to accept responsibility for own actions, Parasitic lifestyle, Impulsivity, Irresponsibility)

Thas all.


wanderlust said...

next time im in that place, i'll be careful. really really careful.

Vaccinated Tarantula - II said...

next time im in that..(pauses) INSPIRATIONAL STUFF MM!!THATS THE MOST FUCKING BRILLIANT PLAN EVER!!!dont tell the little munchkins..

La said...

hahahaha! oh wow... I wonder what my sis will have to say about this... :D

I wish I'd seen the man. You should have gotten a picture goose.

Wickedcookie said...

Oh my. This is the second time i have been reduced to tears by the hilarity of this story! :D I wish i coulda met this gentleman.

I tried to take offense at that dig at the 'retired Army man' but its too true it is. Sigh. He probably is one too!

And one little thought: you forgot the 'waiter-huddle' part. That was hilarious! I wonder who paid in the end! :)

Anju said...

I love your writings!!
Why can't I become a follower??

Brian 'Curmudgeon' Polson said...

LMAO. This shit happened to me too... Except it was in a Shanthi Sagar. Remind me to relate in class, is too good...

Rookie said...

Hilarious! I wish I'd seen the old dude. He & I could have a lot in common (not the walker bit). Anyway, I don't bully little kids into getting me ice creams. The same goes for 20 year old girls. I seem to spend half my day these days running around buying donuts for them instead of the other way round.
Come to think of it, I don't think the old man & I have much in common.

La said...

@Rookie: Donuts? a far as I know they're naalak rupai kulfi :P :D who asks for donuts? if they're getting donuts, I want donuts too!

Daicub&Daicub said...

why the hell am I feeling sorry for this dude?!!
Maybe it's because I think he's suffering from an extreme case of alzhimers, schizoprenia or whatever it is that ass-wini taught in class...

MM said...

@Jay: AY! Do I have to educate YOU also?? I thought you had read Abnormal already!

Extreme case of Alzheimer's it seems. Please read up on alzheimers here please.
Now please read up on psychopaths here please.
Now see schizophrenia here please.

This man falls under CATEGORY NUMBER 2.

Im not just randomly abusing a poor defenseless old man you know. It just seems as though he is a psychopath, from what I've read.

Now go write mid semester abnormal psychology exam.

@Rookie: Course you're not like the old man. You like donuts. And Homer Simpson.

@Brian: Tell off tell off Im WAITING!! :) :)

@Anju: Thanku! :) Muah! You can if you go to setting and paste my url there somewhere... I havent put up that thing which displays your followers.

MM said...

@Shar: Oh yes. :) The waiter huddle. When they called us back, there were three of them and they’d all formed a huddle together very seriously and I thought they were going to tell me something of grave importance such as, “The world as we know it is going to end tomorrow at 2300 hours.”
But they didn’t. Told me to cough up instead. :|

@La: Photo no? And I HAD a camera with me. :( Yes, where IS Lalitha? >:( Waaaah. And can you and V please for five minutes stop talking about donuts!

MM said...

@Spider fellow: What. Please. What. You are usually coherent when you are hilarious. It’s these medical exams I tell you. At least I understood when you told me over the phone: You are agreeing with previous comment. Then you are pausing, and deciding you will become like psychopath man and steal icecreams from kids. Naice.
Blog soon! I’m in need of some spider laughing! :D

@Priya Wanderlust: Yes, please, please do be! And the very least, avoid the place at night.