Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Gormless Lady- A Passage

Somehow or the other, the Gormless Lady always manages to feature a lot here at Leaves.
She irks me so.

She recently gave us a bit of indigestion over our CIA (Continious Internal Assessment) and threatened to give me Y and Su1 zero marks out of 20.
("Seeee, you are all going to be taking this too lightly. And so I am going to be having to take some measures for this. Because otherwise you people will never be learning.")
But she cooled down after four days and allowed us to present our assignment which went off quite ok.

I have no one to really rant about it all with. My classmates who've taken this blessed language- RampagingBull, Y and Su1 to name a few- are all pretty much resigned to the whole thing. They couldnt be less bothered that she has massacred both logic and the english language and handed it over to us in a small sickly yellow book that cost us each 60 bucks. And which she refused to let us xerox for 10 bucks instead.
But I just cant get over the whole thing. And Leaves is the perfect outlet for my frustrations.

A passage of translation from her text book. Word for word. Down to the last punctuation mark. Now YOU tell me what you'd write in one of her exams.

"Those who after gaining knowledge, but never respects teaches even though living near to them, never service them ion mind, words or by action, for them excess they sin due to them killing a child will be affecting other than these no one will be more sinful like it is duty of teacher to lead the student to gain knowledge for self emancipation, in the same manner it is righteous attitude to do services for teacher."

I mean, seriously. It'd be okay if it was just the grammar that was wrong, but if the thing just doesnt make any sense, something has to be said.

Please dont judge my college based on the gormless lady though. They've been tryng to get rid of her forever, but she's just not budging, and she's got a scholorship and is employed by the govt or something, so they cant do anything.
Reason Im feeling friendly to college is because they have realised how stupid they were about the Titan Eye+ vouchers which I mentioned here, that they gave us for topping the class. And as a compensatory measure, they gave us all gift vouchers for Strand Book Stall. Goody.
Also they gave us 700 bucks for winning Creative writing at InBloom.
So I like them now. Yes.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Things that Amuse me and Things that Dont

My local Beauty Parlour amuses me. For ten bucks, you get your eyebrows done really well, and you get a bit of entertainment thrown in for free. The parlour has become a place for the middle aged women of our locality to congregate and gossip about their neighbours. So while Im sitting in the chair being threaded, but otherwise completely ignored, I catch up on all the latest happenings in my locality.

"Ay, Reena, ning hosa story gothidiya?"
(Ay Reena, are you knowing the new story?)

"Gothilla kane helbidu bega"
(I dont know ya, tell off quickly.)

"Dod mane kaka angadi pakka ganda hendathi ibbaru suss-side madbitru, car alli, BDA Park mundhe ."
(Big house next to condiments store husband wife both did off suss-side in their car in front of BDA park.)

"Usshusho nijvaglu?"
(Oh my great heavens, for sooth?)

"Howdu. Yako gothilla. Aurella tumba richu. High class. Status. Magalu Switzerland allidale bere."
(Yes. Why, who knows. They are all very rich. High class. Status. Daughter is in Switzerland also.)

"Debit allidransate."
(They must have been in debt.)

"Hucch tane adu. Dodmane itkondu chit fund yella madbekita?"
(Madness only that is. Keeping big house, did they have to do chit funds and all?)

"Ayyo bidu. Psychic aurella"
(Ayyo, leave. They are all persons having the ability to predict the future.)
I think she meant psycho.

It amuses me how much like a video game this Sunday was.

It was one of those family functions again, and since mum's in the US, I got front seat in the car, and there was no talk about the youngsters of today. It was however very much like watching my dad play a video game.
I felt the same rush as I did so many years ago when I watched my cousins make Super Mario dodge those owl monsters.
Mind that cow, dont kill that limping dog in the process, look out for that stream of saree clad woman sauntering just ahead through the fast moving traffic. Squeeze car between pedestrians who occupy half the road, and that broken down truck. Dodge Maruti Van at twelve o' clock! Ah, you havent bashed into anything. Unbelievable. High score, 1880 points.
I dont think I'll ever get over how ridiculous the roads are.

Lunch on banana leaves. Lots of it. So much that you have to refuse certain foods. How? Place your hand above your leaf, look server in the eye and say "BEDA" firmly. Servers are temperamental though, and if they get the feeling that you really really dont want that puliohare they're bearing, they will vindictively pour a bucketful of it over your hand and onto your leaf.
Dodge that ghee! Poor dad, hands are all spattered with it. Minus 20 points.

Relatives. Lots of them. Asking annoying questions. Particularly Silly Crow. Here she comes, from behind that group of auntys chattering about their jewelery. Dodge her! Career behind group of high energy five year olds, run outside quickly without her noticing. You've made it! Score! 40 points. Wait... Oh no, she's ambushed you near the hand-wash. Caw caw!
Sorry, Game Over.

As I was curled up on the sofa battling a crippling stomach pain late last night and switching channels in an attempt to distract myself, I chanced upon an awards show. Filmfare was it? yes.
I have to admit, it quite amused me. Ah, these poor celebs.

Kareena dances chaotically on stage. Immediate close up of Shahid who squirms uncomfortably and then smiles plastically.
Shahid wins award for Jab We Met. Switch to close up of Kareena who squirms uncomfortably and then looks off coldly into the distance.
Saif Ali Khan bursts onto stage chewing gum. Close up of Kareena looking triumphant.
Saif Ali Khan cavorts tantalisingly on a balcony with some frisky looking, very fit foreigner gals. Close up of Kareena biting her lip angrily and shaking her head ever so slightly.
Saif Ali Khan cavorts some more. Close up of Kareena looking downcast. Close up of Shahid looking away trying not to laugh.

Dharmendra speaks in English but makes almost no sense at all, and sounds horribly egotistical.
Vivek Oberoi almost cries while receiving his award from dear old dad.
Neha Dhupia screws up her words and looks very shocked at herself a moment after.
I laugh at them all. It amuses my sadistic mind. My pain seems small compared to theirs. Poor celebs. It was all very amusing.

Those Orkut fortunes also amuse me.
Today's fortune: You are going to have a very comfortable old age
Mind you, this only today's fortune.

Yesterday, Orkut said "You will be recognised and honoured as a community leader."
All hail MM!

Sad news. Amusement park rides dont amuse me anymore. :(
We went to Wonderla before the exams, me Snum Osh and Zz. It was lots of fun. We laughed a LOT about I have no idea what.
But the rides were NOT exhilarating. At all. Before at least they'd give me a tingle in the tummy or something. Now nothing.
The Pirate Ship was okay, and perhaps Y scream . The rest was all just sissy rubbish. Which is really disappointing. The rides were really fun for me the first two times. Oh well, I shall just have to go bungee jumping the next time Im feeling adventurous. Cowabunga!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Oshsays VIII- Pitching

Some ridiculous conversation:
MM: I think I'd be able to pitch an idea best, if no one was actually listening to me.
Snum: I think I'd be able to pitch an idea best, if I was alone.
Osh: I dont think I'll ever be able to pitch an idea to anyone successfully.
We laughed loudest at Osh.

"'Ooown". Valentine Witch. "Uno momento". Pitch and Volume issues. Red roses. Matching Purple I'd-rather-not-says. Videos and hysterical laughter.

An Oshsay: "MM do you want two five buckses?" *grin*

Monday, February 11, 2008

Weekend with Bestest

It was last weekend, which just goes to show you how lazy I am.
It was the weekend I fell in love.
With a dog named Ceasar, who is a Boxer. By breed, not by profession of course, I'd never be foolish enough to fall in love with a boxing dog.

It wasnt love at first sight, Im afraid. Im not too fond of dogs jumping all over me, so I cowered for a while behind Bestest while she enjoyed feeling all powerful and in control.

After Ceazu quieted down a bit, I began to like him.
In a matter of hours, this like had blossomed into full blown love.

He followed me everywhere. Like Mary's Little Lamb (I was Mary)
Even if he was asleep and snoring, if I walked out the room, he bounded up and pattered along behind me. I was the object of his affections. He kept throwing me adoring looks. I felt so darn loved. Once in the morning he just came over to where I was sitting, placed his head on my knee, and fell asleep.
Which left me in a bit of a predicament actually, because I wanted to get up and go have breakfast, but how cute is that?
I realise he's not the handsomest of dogs, but what do looks matter in the end anyway? Really, Ceazu's like a human. Muah. Darling dog.

Me and Bestest had a top notch time.

Daft broom-unknowing supermarket dude.
Pringles: 69 bucks. Expression on Bestest's face as I stuffed my face with them: Priceless.
Melting Hershey's kisses in a saucepan.
Watching them burn.
Devising other methods. Success.
Cream and Fudge Factory Specials, which you get at the Factory for around 100 bucks, but that I can make for under ten. (Contact MM at 23456547)
Stuff off shoulders.
Reading stuff written long long ago :D
Laughing like the hysterical geese we used to be.
Talking about the kind of geese we've become.
Walking. Open field. Strange Christmas carol music.
Staying up till 5.30.

Brilliant way to end those blasted exams. :)

On a completely unrelated note, I called someone a blasted screwt today by mistake. My dad only looked quizzically at me for a minute before letting it go.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Long due post on Class Trip

I know it was a million years ago, but I had to mention here on my blog about how Snum fought with the monkeys.
There were loads of them there at Shivgange. Loads.
At first sight they're all really cute. Sitting in hoards and hugging each other, chit chattering and staring at you with those darling eyes... Awwwww!

But once you've spent a little time with them, you get a little glimpse into the mind of the monkey, and you realise what cruel mindsets these evil simians actually possess.

They stole. Blantantly without any signs of remorse.
Rem's food packet. Grabbed it viciously, left the poor child screaming, went and perched atop a high rock and proceeded to get the raitha all over its face.
Nat's pack of Yummies. While she was feeding them to Basanti, the dog that accompanied us up the hill.
Nat's second pack of Yummies. She tried to fight, but the monkey was too vicious to be reckoned with.
One baby monkey grabbed onto my backpack, while I was wearing it. I'd have liked to make a bigger deal of this, but unfortunately other events took place which far surpassed this one in magnitude.

They fought.
With the dogs. That was entertaining. NOT.
With us, as they tried to DRAG our bags (which were several pounds heavier than themselves) away to their little dens, wherever they are.
They engaged in mortal combat with Snum. (Well not, mortal combat, but bad enough.) First was on top of the mountain when one tried to grab her bag from her. Snum held eye contact with it for 15 minutes. As if daring it to attack her. I just stood on the side muttering prayers and begging Snum to leave it alone. They circled. The monkey hissed. Snum said "Yes, TAKE my bag why dont you? Just try it you furry little midget." At least, thats what I imagine she said, she was talking under her breath. The monkey soon realised the bag was not worth all this trouble and left Snum alone.
The second incident was much scarier. As we were leaving the place halfway up where we'd stopped to eat, a monkey who was busy eating someone's left over rice (which it had stolen no doubt) was much upset by a line of us who all by mistake trampled over its cuisine. At some point this all became too much for the monkey. Unfortunately that particular point was the point when Snum had, laughing and talking with the person behind her, just placed one foot gingerly on the rice. The enraged monkey with a blood curdling squeak hurled itself forward and BIT SNUM ON THE ANKLE. The next thing you'd expect is for Snum to have squealed in shock, or yelled in surprise, or started crying. But no, in the blink of an eye, and in a completely unprecedented move, Snum turned around, bent over and yelled "That bloody hurt you asshole!" into the monkey's face, much to the shock and later amusement of everyone around. The monkey leapt backward and continued hissing. Images of this incident are etched in my memory permanently. Snum turned out to be okay, and did NOT need rabies shots thank you very much.
Oh and also, we were almost attacked by a swarm of bees.
Other than that, a nice pleasant trip.
And now I must abruptly end, and go and attempt to mug up that crazed text book the gormless lady set us in a desperate hope to pass tomorrow's exam.